Thins the way they are....

Life's a total mess now...i really hate it...for so many reasons...health being the main 1...going through it alone is so damn heart brakingly tiring and painful..coz during the daytime..i have frens..but still i feel alone..its way worst at night time...i cry..in and out..my sense of how things work or how things actually do makes sense seems to be failing...

I'm sick...decaying n withering away slowly...n i have to face it alone..tot i could have her..but she dose not want me...its heart aching to hear anything bout her..her name puts me in a state of depression....i love her..so much...or izit loved...i don't know...at times m at a straight mind tat without her..its better...but within an instant...m missing her so much...i tot at lease...she would be wit me..at lease spend sumtime wit me..i tot she understands..but then...its either her selfishness..or izit her fear of loving me again..i dunno...i want to forget...not because i dont love her...its because..it hurts so much to lover and not be with her...she ask me.."why me...i dont love u..why do this for me"...dosent she get it...with i'm going through..i still sacrifice for her..n it all went in vein...wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cry..i bleed...i'm depressed...i miss her...the sad truth is..i dun wanna go on fighting...illness..fate...or watever it is...i keep on telling myself.."focus on you"....but it dosent work...it hurts to be alone...know i understand ..the feeling of being alone...the feeling of not being wanted n abandoned.....i want my life back..i want to smile again..i want to be happy..i want to have a future....i want to be me again..but i cant...things are falling apart..n i have to face alone..n i know...millions of ppl are going through this..sum will say "things will b ok"..others " Life has to go on..n make the best out of it"..n then "ohwell...pray"...

It all fails...i need sum1...not any1...but sum1..to hold me...to be wit me..to say things tat mean sumthing n meant the world...not for pity..but for love..one of my closest fren said.."Use it as a guilt trip..but u'll nvr know wether she loves u onot"....pity is painful...i know 2 ppl who went through it...n it sux...they went through hell for that kinda love...i had the real thing..i lost it..i tried to get it back..but she didnt...so how?....neway...this blog aint all bout love...its also about wat i need the most...Time...for evrything...to slow dwn...so i can put the pieces of my life together...n solve the puzzle..which is" What do i want?"

It's Been Awhile - Part 1

SupSup peeps...its been awhile...loads had happened since my last blog...from parties to assignments to drinkin sessions that led to many acts of stupidity...hehehehehe...let's start of wit my bday party...

First i wanna thank evry1 who attended...who got drunk wit me...n sorry to those whom i wasn't able to really entertain..the party was a blast....i got so drunk..that i actually forgot who came n wat i did...all n all..i drank..2 bottles of montoku,half a bottle of vodak n chivas...n 12 1 go cans of beer..by myself...damn...food was good..thx loads manzo...cake was nice...till it was oso shuved sumwer..ehem...i nickenamed alot ofppl apparently..sori for that..hihihi...it was alot of fun...that i had in a long time...

Sukau was awesome....was ther for 3 nights 4 days...for a WWF thingy...which was so cool...met loads of ppl..from FRANCE, EGYPT, ENGLAND, USA, AUSTRALIA, ITALY , HONGKONG and also CANADA. Very interesting bunch of ppl...shared many stories and experience...gotten a few emails...hot wei sum of them..itu yg bagus..the camp boys are as friendly as owez...mcm kwn lama yg lama x jumpa...we drank alot...leheng n beer...gotten a few of them drunk...then on the 3rd day...i followed the camp captain to their village...they were havin a local bazaar thingy...really fun..sumandak pun ada liao... i played soccer wit them...that was oso fun..fit gila eh they all..tapi i can bend it like beckham...muahaha...jk...all in all..syok gila...can't wait to back there again..the food was delicious...pancakes in the mornin...lamb stew by night...loads of wildlife encounters...ma'cacks, gibbons, birds, orang utans, reptillians n amfibians too...a large variety infact...sum venomous, sum hostile...sum really2 playful...hehehehe...dear reader...u should really go there...its really worthwhile..

Nxt up..is...golfin...i've decided to go back to pickin up serious golfin..really miss the energy n excitement actually...the serenity of hittin a perfect golf shot in the best condtions..played tto tournemants..1 was kinda hangin...coz it rained,the other was ok...1st one was at Dalit..the next day was at SGCC...Dalit was ok at first..playin 1 over for 4 holes..then at hole 5...was goin for mu third shot..then it started pourin....it was the ISUZU sponsered tournemant..at lease i got goodies...then the next one is the RINTIS MALAY golf tournemant..n the whole in 1 prizes were really gur..Ninja Kings...mercedez...n 10000 Purse...that's right...i played 82..which is 2 over my handicap..not bad for my first tournemant...but i tot i hit the longest drive...275 meters..carry...coz the pitch mark was nxt to my ball..then suddenly...at 277mtrs..the winner is..alex...waliu..must play wit him to c...seriously...but i was really gud to play...miss it...

That's all for now,,m kinda i a rush now...will continue soon...ciao...

Sum1 i misss so much.....i luv her...does she still love me ???

For the past few weeks...i've been missin her so much...nearly everythin i do...pretty much reminds me of her...i miss the times when she took care of me wen i was sick n feelin down...n the past 2 1/2 weeks wen i was sick...i was oso kinda depress....aaarrrrggghhh....wenevr i put on my playlist or listen to the radio..its either our favourite songs are playin....or songs that reminds me of her...

I no its been like.... 3 1/2 mnths....but....well...i still...really...really...really do love her...i cant stop thinkin about....i just cant get over her...n that actually makes me feel happy...n sad...happy that wenevr i think bout her...i do smile...sad that she aint goin to come back to me...or is she??..i don't no...at times i tell myself...she has moved on...found sum1....definitely...coz...i dun get a fon call..or an sms...but then wenever we c eachother...its just like oldtimes...but then i tell myself...this sounds like an off/on or just for kicks relationship...which i dont want at all...actually...i want wat was...which is the long term planning...where are we goin to live wen we grow old...thats wat i want...not call u wen i call u..or...c u nxt mnth kinda thingy..

Or izit wise not to contact her at all...at the same time...i want to...n i want her to call me..all the time...i cant be mad or jealous wen she has sum1 else to be wit..which i think she does...coz if she dosent...she would have kept her promises...but then again...i cant be mad or upset...i dont no whether she feels the same way about me...i hope she does...if she dosent...wat can i do...loads of ppl have been tellin me...whether they are family members or frens...just get over it...move on...then there are who tells me to give it time...u nvr no...coz u 2 love eachother...from their point of view...

So...i can say m on the fence...here's a song that kinda explains things...

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you i can't save you
Its something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me



More to come..ciao

Hectic weeks ahead

Its gonna be 2 hectic weeks ahead...exams...n assignments...hmm..tough...ohwell...can get through it...then i mite be goin to kundasang..that should be interesting...but c how the crowd...skali2 boring...olale...tapi..if i go...ada 15ltr peter wella n shisha....hmm..muahahahaha

Update on Breathe Easy...we r gonna open our own stall...we aint gonna wait no more...its gonna be at the waterfront....middle area...comin to u guys soon..hehehehe...soon u guys will be able to enjoy the shisha service and ambiance that we got to offer...hehe...soon...hopefully be4 May 15...aite

More to come....ciao

Olale

OOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE.....so things just gets worst...not oni m diagnosed wit mums...but now our oppening date has been postponed...wtf wei..we r definitely gonna find sum other place...dun worry...our shisha service will be on...dun worry aite...

So now i got also got the fcukin mums...at lease the chances of cancer has been ruled out...YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH....but then...now i ahve a total of 8 diff meds that i have to take...that literally looks like freakin skittles...ohwell..i gotta do wat i gotta do...

I'm Sick.....aaaaaaarrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

KKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....i have been sick for the past week an a half n it keeps on gettin worst...no work orstudyin has been really done..n besides that...the contract wt the loft has not been signed yet...i'll get to that ltr...i've been gettin rashes....my limfnotes are swollen...my skull is swollen...my throat is soar...my eys are red...my entire face is swollen and red...on top of that...high fever...like between 38 to 40....which kinda sux coz i cant get proper sleep....n my head hurts like i'm havin a constant migrain...tat sux coz its throughout the day...till now...evendough m on paikillers...antibiotics...anthihistamine....n so on...the pain decreases...but the other sympthoms gets worts...tiu.....from wat the dr's diagnosis is...a viral infection causing inflamation to my head...and also to my other body systems...causing irrational sympthoms...which kinda dosent add up...cause..according to the sympthoms...here are the worst case scenarios....limfoma....measels...somethin mono..were i gotta do a mono-spot test...but thats cear...then there are others...because of my blood work test...and oso other test indicates i got alot of stuff....ultimately..in conclusion...m pretty fcuked up...ohwell...n the meds...are not the cure...just to control...WTF???...becoz they cant find an answer of the cause and cure...they just give me sympthomatic meds to keep it under control...olale....wat to do..

The contract...the contract has been finished...now the only things is..we gotta go see the peeps at the loft...n because m sick..i cant go out...i gotta rely on my partners...n they are not showin that they are reliable at all this week....i mean...get to my house asap so i can tell them wat to do wen m not there...last minute...so many reasons...if today..they don fckin come to my place...i mite have to re-think things ovr on wat to say to them..coz the official opening is nxt week....and nothin is pretty much done yet...n from the looks of it...i'm the one who's gotta push...i told 1 of them d...we gotta do the work..but the good things is...they both are still enthusiastic about the business and really wanna do it...they just need the push....from the most unexpected person...who also needs the push to do stuff...lol...well...at lease i can say this dear reader...on the 29th...will be our official opening at the Loft...7.30...be there or be square...muahahaha...

More to come soon..ciao...

This dream actually made me smile...for a whole day...!!!

This was suppose to be my first blog....but i gotta make an intro..neway....

Saturday...i went to bed arnd 3.30...i think....had shisha testing wit frens at JJ's place...neway...i actually had a dream that made me smile throughout sunday...seriously...jj,khaled n jash was wit me....i explained the whole thing why the dream made me freakin smile....i'll explain that ltr...

Back to the dream...I started wit me runnin arnd this huge building...chasing after sumone...the closer i get ...i noticed...that sumone is a she...n there is always a corner that she turns...sumtimes runnin up the stairs...sumtimes runnin dwn...so i kept on chasin, close enough till i was able to hear her voice...but it was like she was havin a conversation...n i couldnt hear wat she was sayin...so i kept on chasin...till i reached an entrance..i think..it was a huge door...so i gave it a push to open...n then i saw the most unexpected person...she was sitting dwn starin at the moon...then wen i call her name out..she turned...n also had a surprise look...

So we chit chatted...before i move on ....i'll briefly tell wat happen between me n her in reality...we had a fall out...once we were as close as we could be...then we werent...n yup..she..for was the one who got away...we had a fall out coz of a stupid argument...k back to the dream...so we chit chatted aut about wat happend n why the fallout..n i sort of like poured my heart about my feelings...n the thing is...she did the same thing....so usually...its a happy ending...but....WWWWWWRRRRRRRROOOOONNNNNGGGG....she started tearin up n told me..." I luv u so much...i really do...at the same time...i really luv u also as a fren...i am so sorry..."..I sighed...n took it...the same thing happend 8 yrs ago...so its like..."Its ok...besides..we still can be frens..rite?..."..i asked...so she layed her head on my shoulders starin at the stars...so i kept on starin at her...wit the feelin so close..yet so far...then she gave a peck on the cheeck.. Then a kiss on the lips...then we sort of made out..i was thinkin....wawawewawa..hehehe...then she starts givin me a hickie...which was such a turnon...then...the most darnest thing happend...while givin me a hickie..my beard hair got stuck in her mouth..which was actually funny..in the dream..then we continued...THEN I WOKE UP...aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh.....n i smiled the whole freakin day....seriously....

All i thought about was her...actually..even till now...thinkin bout her...i smile..n frown...haih...ohwelll wat to do... :(

More comin from ures trully...soon...ciao