Thins the way they are....

Life's a total mess now...i really hate it...for so many reasons...health being the main 1...going through it alone is so damn heart brakingly tiring and painful..coz during the daytime..i have frens..but still i feel alone..its way worst at night time...i cry..in and out..my sense of how things work or how things actually do makes sense seems to be failing...

I'm sick...decaying n withering away slowly...n i have to face it alone..tot i could have her..but she dose not want me...its heart aching to hear anything bout her..her name puts me in a state of depression....i love her..so much...or izit loved...i don't know...at times m at a straight mind tat without her..its better...but within an instant...m missing her so much...i tot at lease...she would be wit me..at lease spend sumtime wit me..i tot she understands..but then...its either her selfishness..or izit her fear of loving me again..i dunno...i want to forget...not because i dont love her...its because..it hurts so much to lover and not be with her...she ask me.."why me...i dont love u..why do this for me"...dosent she get it...with i'm going through..i still sacrifice for her..n it all went in vein...wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cry..i bleed...i'm depressed...i miss her...the sad truth is..i dun wanna go on fighting...illness..fate...or watever it is...i keep on telling myself.."focus on you"....but it dosent work...it hurts to be alone...know i understand ..the feeling of being alone...the feeling of not being wanted n abandoned.....i want my life back..i want to smile again..i want to be happy..i want to have a future....i want to be me again..but i cant...things are falling apart..n i have to face alone..n i know...millions of ppl are going through this..sum will say "things will b ok"..others " Life has to go on..n make the best out of it"..n then "ohwell...pray"...

It all fails...i need sum1...not any1...but sum1..to hold me...to be wit me..to say things tat mean sumthing n meant the world...not for pity..but for love..one of my closest fren said.."Use it as a guilt trip..but u'll nvr know wether she loves u onot"....pity is painful...i know 2 ppl who went through it...n it sux...they went through hell for that kinda love...i had the real thing..i lost it..i tried to get it back..but she didnt...so how?....neway...this blog aint all bout love...its also about wat i need the most...Time...for evrything...to slow dwn...so i can put the pieces of my life together...n solve the puzzle..which is" What do i want?"